ninetoes | Noctium Inbox

[Izzy waits a moment to make sure Dean is out of earshot before he listens, and he's glad he did because that rips through him. Makes his heart pound as Stede's words wrap around his brain and then shoot straight to his prick.

What the fuck. What the fuck?!

FUCK.

And you know what maybe he wasn't mid fuck with Dean whilst texting, despite framing it that way specifically to piss Stede off (see, he's great at plans, actually), but he will absolutely be spending the rest of the night working through...this.

Maybe listen to it a few more times.

What he knows for sure, is that he's going to make Stede wait and awfully long time. Through the night into the next day, at the very least. A week or two would be better but it's a lot of effort, and despite his own justified fury, the waiting makes him squirrely, itchy, and anxious. It would have been okay without that voicemail. He would have stayed gone, fuck both of you.

-

Izzy doesn't announce his arrival home three nights later. The gangway is down, the lights are on, the ship is so fucking enormous...

He shouldn't go back. This is so stupid.

In and out, he tells himself. Just grab his shit and leave again, if it hasn't been burnt, already.]

[They both have the same plan, that night. Stede channels all his jealous rage into showing Ed a good time, just as promised. And just as foretold, he thinks of Izzy. It's infuriating, but once he's through he feels...better. A little more at peace. If that awful little man wants to stay away forever, that's fine by him. Prick.

The following two days are agony. Stede thinks of calling Izzy a dozen times, and eventually forces himself to leave his device abandoned in his bedside drawer to remove the temptation entirely. Unfortunately for Izzy, it's there that he finds his spyglass, which means he spends the better part of two days perched on deck with it pressed to his eye, watching the docks.

Which means he spies Izzy coming toward the gangplank almost immediately.

Which means he's waiting for him on deck, hair disheveled, heart in his throat, wild-eyed. For a long moment, he just stands there and stares. Then breathes,]

You're back.

[So much for stealth.

It's painful to think he's lost that edge, and maybe a bit more painful to think that he hasn't, it's just that Stede has been waiting for him. Delusional, really, if we're being honest. Why the fuck would Stede Bonnet wait for him?

Then again, why would Stede Bonnet summon him for soft, vulnerable conversations. Why would Stede bring him close and make love to him (can't even call it a fucking, it wasn't). Why would Stede call him his, like there's a claim.

Because, Izzy, there is a claim. Two of them. And those hooks are in so fucking deep he feels the sharp sting with every fucking traitorous breath.

It isn't fair that Stede is waiting. It isn't fair for him to be backlit by an enormous autumn moon looking something out of a fairy tale. His curls are a mess and Izzy wants to bury his fingers in them. Pull them together chest to chest and and ruin him, right there on the deck.

The thought is pushed away and he reminds himself of his mission, stopping at the top of the gangplank for a beat, assessing Stede clinically before turning to move around.]

I've come for my things. I'll be gone before you know it.

[Clipped. Cold. All his armor and resolve latched firmly in place. Please god stay put. One errant word could pierce him through.]

[Stede feels the cold sweep of Izzy's gaze over him, clinical, detached, and he's gripped with panic. Is he over him already? In such a short time apart? There had been no response to his last message, but in his pissed-off state he had assumed he had finally gotten under Izzy's skin, and rightly so. But now, with an autumn breeze chilling his skin, with Izzy aiming to step around him, he's not so sure.

Stede takes a swift step to the side, blocking Izzy's path toward the stairs. His hands clench, just briefly, into determined fists at his sides, arms swathed in his silk dressing gown. He hears himself blurt out:]

Don't leave.

[It's not a request.]

[Izzy levers Stede with a sharp look of warning and goes to the side again. Blocked. He moves back, blocked. This is fucking embarrassing now. How is it Bonnet is able to take up the entire fucking space like a god damn wall.

Just let him stay shut down and carry on, what do you care.]

Why stay? I have my boyfriend to get back to.

[Words so acidic Izzy's throat stings just saying them. That poor fucking man, he doesn't deserve to be dragged into any of this. He's done nothing to deserve it.]

[Stede's not letting him go anywhere. And he maybe derives a bit of pleasure from watching that become more and more apparent to Izzy. But the taste of it turns bitter on his tongue as the man spits his own words back at him. He huffs, steeling himself. Planting his feet, standing his ground.]

That isn't where you belong, though. You know it, and I know it. Ed knows it, too.

[Gods, if he can't make Izzy stay, Ed is going to be devastated. His resolve deepens. His hand itches to reach out and take Izzy by the necktie, yank him closer and show him where he belongs, but he reins in the impulse. Just—]

Stay, Israel. Izzy.

[You have no idea how tempting it was for him to leave his tie behind. Leave the ring behind, really make it all fucking hurt. But he didn't. It's there, glinting bright in the moonlight. His collar is open with his ruby visible through the fabric, so the gems stack in a funny sort of way, green over red as it is right now in life.

The tick in his jaw flares as he clenches, fists balling and opening a few times as he thinks. How bad does he want to make this? Now that he's back, how much does he really want to leave?

Leave his people? Leave his whole life? Start over in a new world with a man who is, yeah, kind and generous and gentle, but still a stranger. Who might buck and run the moment he finds out just what a sick, fucking mess Izzy really is.

Or does he stay in the mess that made him, comfortable but unhappy and without agency.

Why is that even a question? Why is it worth thinking about, why does it give him such pause?]

You cause me such..fucking agony, the two of you.

[Voice tight with emotion he is trying so, so hard to hold back. Stay. That single word to pierce him, slung in the opening blow. How typical.

Could be the idea of being wanted like that, of belonging like that, is something he just...doesn't think he deserves? Doesn't think is offered in earnest? Kindness is a trap. It is always a trap. Showing vulnerability might work for Edward, may have for a bit, but that bit him in the ass, and any time Izzy has shown weakness he was savaged within an inch of his fucking life. It is luxury, too rich for his sort.]

[Stede finds his eye drawn, briefly, to that tempting glimpse of Izzy's throat, the ruby peeking through, the ring unable to escape his notice. Still there...That gives him a dangerous spark of hope. And the air between them feels thin enough to combust at any moment.

He's caught momentarily wordless, though, by the admission that wrenches its way from Izzy's throat. He opens his mouth to speak, thinks the better of it, licks his lips.

His gaze burns into Izzy as he steps forward, and lifts a hand to his tie. Not to wrap and tug, but just settling over it, his fingers brushing that ruby glowing at the base of his throat.]

The feeling is mutual. But...it's such a sweet agony. [A quick, ragged breath.]

Stay.

[The bells which ring for them and them alone begin to hum the moment Stede touches him. A soft vibration in the ends of their nerves and up through the cores of their bodies.

Izzy has never heard of a singing bowl, but it's that kind ringing. The sort that takes a man over and to his knees.

His knees don't fall, but they threaten to buckle the same way the rest of him threatens to follow under Stede's touch - eyes locked. Izzy wets his lips as well, an echo by reflex.

Stay.

He doesn't know if he can. Or should. Or wants to.

He doesn't know if he's capable of not, either.

Nope, turns out he's not.]

I'm listening.

[Stede's lashes flutter as he feels the connection between them spark to life. Relief floods him right along side it, that it still exists. It's real, tangible, and completely their own.

Izzy is listening. That's a step in the right direction. His hand moves, fingertips dragging upward over the knot of Izzy's tie, the ring held securely there, and then the bare skin of his throat. They settle just beneath his jaw, the heel of his hand resting on his Adam's apple.

He doesn't squeeze. The only pressure is from the weight of his hand, warm and sure.]

We'll fix it. Find a way to be happy. Just, [he has to pause, to swallow back the emotion that threatens to overwhelm him,] let us love you.

[Sometimes, when he is at his lowest, when the night is dark and everyone is asleep, when he's too tired to pretend he doesn't have a heart, Izzy will quietly slip that ring from his cravat onto his left ring finger. Just to pretend, for a moment, that someone loves him like that.

It's wild, Izzy thinks, how one touch and one specific word can core him out so thoroughly.

Is this all there is? has an answer. Edward asked him months ago when they boarded Stede's ship. When they met him properly and not some ridiculous, posturing standoff in the jungle. A standoff that ha, as Izzy saw it until perhaps very recently, ruined his life. Ambushed by a beautiful, wild eyed man whose bizarre mix of foppery and brazen disregard for professional conduct called Izzy to cut his name in the man's shirt. In a way, Izzy claimed Stede before Edward ever could. And look where's that's gotten him now - ambushed again on the deck of his- their own fucking ship. This time to stay. This time to make use of that vile, dangerous, intoxicating word. How dare he.]

Don't-

[But it's weak. Small, hoarse. Izzy's body is relaxed into Stede's touch, boneless the way he'd been at knife point that fateful first meeting. He doesn't know what it is he can't reject in full. People don't love him. People like him don't get that, they just don't. To suggest otherwise--]

Don't say that word to me, I can't, Stede-

[Hyperaware as he is of Izzy's presence, Stede can't miss the way he relaxes into his touch, watches the muscles of his face relax. Whether he realizes it's happening or not, Stede doesn't know, but he's not going to say anything to break the spell.

His fingers twitch, just once, at the word don't. The agony of it sends a pang through Stede's chest, straight to his tender heart, and his lips part to draw a ragged breath. His immediate instinct is to double down—

—but now's not the time. It's just a word, certainly, but words have meanings, and if Izzy isn't ready to hear it, he won't say it again. The corner of his mouth twitches into a tiny smile.]

Then let us be sweet to you. Or not. Both. Whatever you like.

[Whatever he wants. Stede will give it to him. And Ed...they'll figure that out, if Izzy will allow it.]

[Is he not ready to hear it? Maybe not. Maybe he never will be. Maybe he needs that decision to be made for him.

Sweet he can deal with. He knows what the means. In truth he knows what all of it means, it's just so fucking difficult to apply it to himself. To see that sort of thing for himself. To have that and it be real.

Maybe it's all too much. Too fast. Too visceral.

Maybe it's what he's always wanted.

Izzy presses himself further into Stede's grip. His eyes are very bright in the moonlight on account of their threatening wetness, and he is, for a moment, moved to guide Stede's hand from his throat to the tattoo on his chest.

Just to really remove his own decision. But, no. No, this needs to be done with a clear head, doesn't it. Painful as that may be, for better or worse, come what may.]

Shut up and kiss me, Bonnet.

[Izzy presses closer, and Stede's emotions threaten to swallow him whole. Izzy's eyes are shining, twin pools reflecting that huge, golden moon, and Stede thinks, not for the first time, that he is beautiful when he's not being terrible. When he speaks again, Stede's smile breaks through his trepidation, a thrum of happy warmth pulsing in their connection.

He doesn't say anything else. That would defeat the point. His hand turns, moving to cradle Izzy's jaw and pull him in for a kiss that's flooded with relief and feeling and sheer want. His brows furrow like he's trying to convey exactly how he's feeling with the warm, eager crush of his lips.

God, but he's trying.]

[Stede's kiss is searing and Izzy melts into it in a way that would be embarrassing if he didn't want it to much.

It is the longing for impossible things, precisely because they are impossible. Nostalgia for what never was; the desire for what could be, regret over not being someone else and enormous dissatisfaction with the world's existence. All these half-tones of the soul's consciousness creating in them a painful landscape. an eternal sunset of what they are.

Maybe if he were a different person, Edward would have loved him the way he loves Stede. Maybe if he were a different person, he could love the both of them in return. He doesn't know what love can be. Never been allowed that opportunity in the realm of safety.

This, now, is not safety, but it might be something close. He won't know for sure until he allows himself surrender and follows inside with the same trust he follows Stede's lips against his own - parting for him easily, begging for permission before he's able to change his mind.]

[Izzy melts into him so easily, and Stede feels triumph surge in his veins in equal measure to the jealousy he'd felt rear its ugly head two nights ago. His right hand remains in place, holding Izzy's cheek, while the left finds itself firmly planted at the small of his back, pulling him in close. He feels Izzy's lips part and takes the invitation without a second thought, licking into his mouth to taste him.

It strikes him how much he's missed this, missed the give and take of their conversations, the tension ratcheting higher and higher until something inevitably snaps and they're right back here, all over each other. He loves it. He often finds himself wondering what might have happened if he had thought to press a little harder during their first, ill-fated meeting. If he'd pressed that knife a little harder into Izzy's cheek, marched him off into the jungle and...

Stede pulls back, lungs burning, gasping for air like a drowning man. He doesn't stay away for long, though, moving to press soft, slow kisses to Izzy's cheek, lingering over the tattoo below his eye, and then to the wrinkle of his forehead, and the edge of his hairline.]

Thank you, [he murmurs, low and warm and happy,] for coming back.

[Were Izzy alone, that day in the jungle, he might have considered it. A rough, chance meeting. A display of power, no one else there to perform in front of...yeah. He could have gotten behind that idea. Under. Over. Doesn't matter.

It wouldn't have been anything like this, suffering soft kisses across his face. Places no one has ever thought to kiss him. Too tender. Too intimate. This is why Stede is so very, very dangerous.

Still, he tips his head just slightly to allow the man whatever access he could desire, finally placing his hands on Stede's hips.]

You say that now.

[This is their moment, just for Stede and he, but it can only last so long.]

Is he furious?

Mmm. I'll say it again later, too.

[Stede hums against Izzy's hair as he speaks, almost a laugh, and pulls him in a little tighter, encouraged by the hands that settle on his hips. He's so happy he could burst; nothing could spoil his mood right now.

He makes a noncommittal sort of noise, bobbing his head left to right.]

Hard to say. [Mostly, Ed has just seemed sad, but it's hard to tell how he'll react to seeing Izzy in the flesh again after so long. Stede sighs, smiling faintly down at him, thumb stroking over his jaw to feel the stubble creeping in there.] You ought to go and find him sooner rather than later...loath as I am to let you go at the moment.

[Three things.

Firstly, it's been like three days.

Secondly, loathe as you are- that is so aggressively romantic, what the hell is he supposed to do with that except melt? Except toss out all the anger he's been gathering and sharpening in preparation for a fight that hasn't come.

Thirdly, and this is the bit that stops Izzy and really gives him pause. Makes him lean back for eye to eye.]

Alone?

[Three agonizing days spent peering through a spyglass. Sue him.

Stede pauses, blinking a few times; of all the things Izzy could have said in response, that wasn't one he expected. A single word, a question, and all the implied vulnerability behind it. Stede fumbles, uncertain.]

I didn't think—well, I rather thought— [Deep breath.] You want me there?

[His turn to be vulnerable.]

[Logically, Izzy tells himself, Edward is far less likely to kill him in Stede's presence.

Rightfully, he is scared.

Foolishly, he doesn't want to go alone, and even worse is the terrible concept of having to pull himself away from Stede's safety.

And that...that is a thought that he has just had to fully realize. Fuck.

Izzy immediately reconsiders his plea and wonders if he misspoke out of fear, but finds himself at the same conclusion. He wants Stede near, if not next to him, if Edward insists on privacy, then at least near by.]

I think I do, yeah.

[Stede's hand finally moves from Izzy's jaw, sliding back to card through the hair at the nape of his neck. Holding him close, still, but he doesn't want to obscure any of the expression on Izzy's face, limned in golden moonlight.

Izzy wants him to come. Wants him there. The three of them. It makes his heart pound a little faster, both with happiness and a touch of nerves.]

I couldn't possibly say no to that, [he murmurs, low and fond.] We'll go when you're ready.

[Ready, huh. If they wait for that then they may never go.
Hesitation is plain on Izzy's face as he lingers, wondering if he could
just sink back in. Have another kiss. Bask against Stede's chest for a
moment and pretend nothing hurts and everything is okay.

A beat. He closes his eyes and takes a breath.

When he opens them again, he's forced himself to shift gears and tug all
his armor back on. It isn't time to go to work, but it's a similar mindset.
Time to go to war, perhaps. He's so tired of going to war with Edward.

This is all so...muddy, and Izzy hates it. He wants clear directions and
not to ask questions. He wants pathways and plans, not...emotions and
second guessing. He had felt powerful walking out the way he had. Like he
was doing something for himself... but at what cost? Was it really freedom?
Or just another blade between the ribs. He's scared. That's the truth of
it. Scared to lose anything, scared to gain. Scared of what change
brings...always has been.

Izzy pulls himself back and nods.]

I'm ready.

Edited 2022-11-10 00:16 (UTC)

[Stede just watches, fascinated, as Izzy closes his eyes and seems to steel himself. He can see the pieces fitting back together, the same ones he'd just wrenched apart. It breaks his heart, a little bit, watching his expression shift, but when Izzy opens his eyes again, Stede just smiles.]

Good. Come on, then, I think I heard him tinkering with the piano in the lounge.

[At his side, his hand opens, offered to Izzy whether he'll take it or not. He's going to do this properly, damn it.]

[You have no idea how badly he wants to take that hand. He does, he really, really fucking does. And he even reaches for it for a moment before something in the back of his head needles a joke about walking down an aisle like a pussy. Ruins everything.

Izzy stops his stupid hand, growls, and pointedly forges ahead with a mutter.]

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